Mantis Memos
Master Little Big (Man)tis
Answers All
January 2003 | July 2001 | March 2001 | April 2000 | October 2000 | January 1999 | April
1999 | September 1999 | December
1999
In this column guest contributor Master Little Big Man(tis), founder of the Kor Nee and No PC styles of Kung Fu will answer your most pressing questions.
January 2003
Q.
Master Little Big Man(tis), how come we never get to see your
picture? Other, well known, columnists like Dear Abby or Mike
Barnicle, get to have their picture next to their column. Don’t
you rate?
A. Hmm, you raise a valid point and one which
I’ve given much deep thought to. I’ve already spoken with the
editor about it and (s)he agrees...it’s time for my unveiling. See
my photo premiering
in this issue. Now who rates? BTW, where’s your picture,
smart guy? [Editor’s note: In this 19th century photo
Master Little Big Man(tis) is shown as a young man in a scary
Unicorn Style fighting pose.]
Q. Speaking of other columnists, everybody
else’s column that I read hammers away at martial arts virtues,
qualities like self-respect and self-control. What’s your take on
this?
A. That stuff is easy. The real trick is to have a
sense of humor. Zaniness is the most important martial arts virtue.
Just think, if everybody was busy laughing and telling jokes nobody
would ever have a reason to fight. BINGO, end of conflict. That
said, I better not hear about anybody laughing at my picture, or
else.
Q. I hear there’s a new Tai Chi book coming this
spring, one which pushes the envelope a bit by including a chapter
on humor in Tai Chi. Have you heard about this?
A. Heard about it? I was a major contributor. I
had to be. The guy who wrote that book has NO sense of humor. He’s
about as funny as beach sand in your shoes.
Q. Master LBM, would you ever consider writing
your own book about humor in Tai Chi?
A. Me? Write about the humor in Tai Chi? No, but I
might write about the Tai Chi of humor. You know, how to tell a joke
with a real nice slow build-up, sensing for that perfect moment to
strike with a punch-line. You know, it takes accuracy and timing to
deliver a punch line just right.
Q. Do you ever find opportunities for humor around
the school?
A. “It” happens...all the time. Just last week
I overheard Sifu telling his Jrs to do their jumping kicks as if
they had Flubber on their shoes. One little wiseacre piped up.
“But, Sifu, Flubber’s not real.” To which another youngster
chimed in, “Flubber IS real. I read about it in National
Geographic...Flubber is how whales stay warm.” Duh. If whales had
Flubber instead of Blubber the world would be a very different
place, try flying whales. So much for educational reading.
See you next issue. Remember, send YOUR most
pressing questions to Master Little Big Man(tis).
Q. Master, you always seem so serene
in your serenity. Isn't there anything in this life that pushes
your buttons?
A. When someone pushes against my buttons I always yield and smile
so as to maintain my inner peace. My motto is, "When you stay in
school, you be kool."
Q. Huh?
A. Oh, sorry, wrong motto. I get these from Johnny Cochran. Oh ya...it's,
"When you hear some sleeze, just breathe, breathe, breathe."
Q. So, nothing bothers you, ever, at all?
A. Never. Well, to be honest, there is one thing. It's these modern
women coming to class with water bottles. We didn't have water
bottles when I was a young student. We practiced self discipline. We
went without and endured the hardships. These women today think they
can just get up and go wet their whistle any time they're thirsty.
There's not supposed to be water bottles in Kung Fu. Remember Tom
Hanks in that chick baseball movie, what was it?...oh yeah, A
League of Their Own...remember how he said, "Crying?, there's
no crying in baseball!"? Well, that's how I feel about water
bottles in Kung Fu class.
Q. Still, that's pretty impressive that there's only one thing
that puts you in a snit.
A. Hold on, there's one other thing.
Q. And that would be?
A. Students who stick their hands in their pockets.
Q. But Kung Fu pants don't have any pockets.
A. Exactly!! I'm talking about students who think they can sneak by
with regular black street pants when they forget their training
pants, er...maybe I should say Kung Fu pants. Yah, they think they're pretty slick until I catch them with their hands in the
pockets.
Q. Is that all?
A. Just one last thing. It's women who chat during warm up
exercises, as if they were in an aerobics class no less. I'm
telling you some of these women are putting a new face on the
martial arts...and it's wearing make-up.
Q. Is there anything else?
A. No, no, now I'm feeling serene again.
Q. So Master, what then is your secret to staying stress-free?
A. I do things backwards...I eat lots of desserts.
Q. I don't get it, why eat desserts to stay stress-free and what's
that got to do with do things backwards?
A. Because "stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts"! Kewl,
huh?
Q. Master Little Big Man(tis), angry
women have flooded your publisher's office with letters since your
comments in the last issue about water bottles in class.
A. For or against?
Q. Duh, against. What have you got to say about that?
A. Against? Against? That's unbelievable! What did they say?
Q. Well, one writes, "Unfair to women." Another calls you a "smarty
pants". A third vows to spike her water bottle with vodka.
The rest are unprintable. Now what do you you say to that?
A. The anonymous guest columnist's job is to provoke critical
thinking, and at times, criticism. It's a perk actually. Pass me my
water bottle, would you.
Q. Well, you certainly seem to be taking all this criticism in
stride.
A. Consider the source.
Q. Ouch! On another topic, perhaps more apropos to our training, my
teacher is always telling us to do our moves with martial spirit, to
show that intensity in our eyes. How to do?
A. Easy answer. It's a shoe thing.
Q. What do you mean, "a shoe thing?"
A. Always wear shoes which are a size or two too small for your
feet. Then you'll have no difficulty conveying intensity through
your eyes when you're jumping around doing your Kung Fu moves.
Q. Master, several issue back you shared with us some of your Haiku
favorites.
A. Ah, yes, the Microsoft error messages used in Japan as less
impersonal and unhelpful than those used in your own culture. What
about' em?
Q. Might you share some more of those with your readers?
A. They do offer some consolation when the inevitable crash occurs.
Ok, here goes.
-----
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
-----
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist.
-----
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Jan, 99
Q. Recently, our school had its annual holiday banquet. Afterwards, my Sifu and a group of students went back to the school for music and dancing. My question is this: Is this traditional Kung Fu behavior or what?
A. To answer your question I contacted your Sifu to get the facts. He categorically denies ever dancing in such an undignified manner. In fact, he insists that after the banquet he went straight home to meditate and go to bed. Next time don't drink so much and start ugly rumors.
Q. Of what significance will Y2K be for Kung Fu students?
A. Well, there's always the danger that your memory might be wiped out if you don't practice enough. Between now and the
millennium you should practice every form you know at least 500 times. Other than that there shouldn't be any problems.
Q. Master Little Big Man(tis), what's the best way to protect myself from bullies?
A. The famous Kung Fu nun, Nan See Raag Un, taught us the "Just Say No" technique. This works really well because you can make your escape while the bullies are falling down laughing at you.
Q. Sometimes, when my Sifu does bulk mailings, he lets me help him stuff the envelopes. He never charges me for this, even though he says it's good for my Kung Fu skills. Is this for real, or is it like slave labor?
A. Your Sifu is too good to you! Imagine, not charging you for such an opportunity to learn and improve yourself. I'll tell you, there's no better way than licking envelopes to improve your Tongue Fu skills.
Q. Why do those Tai Chi people move so slowly?
A. It's a Y2K thing. They're supposed to be moving fast but their memory chips are already in decline. See what I mean about practice?
April, 99
Q. What's this new "Bow Tie" system I keep hearing about? It's splashed all over the newspapers and it's even got infomercials. What gives?
A. Bow Tie is the latest fad in martial arts. Last year it was cardio kickboxing, now it's Bow Tie. In those styles of martial arts that use belts you don't look really cool until you wear a Black Belt. No problem with Bow Tie...now even the newest student can look really phat just by wearing a Bow Tie (and any color will do!). I predict that, like most fads, this too will pass, (no doubt just in time for Bow Tie, the Sequel.)
Q. Master, elsewhere in this newsletter I read about "4 Rules to Get it Right", or some such thing. What do you think about these 4 Rules?
A. Well, I have my own 4 Rules that I follow to get the most out of life. The 1st is: Avoid the IRS at all costs (IRS, of course stands for "internal residual stress"). My 2nd rule is: chew 20 times before swallowing, then swallow slowly. the 3rd rule is: Smile and the world smiles with you...frown and the world smiles without you. and my 4th rule is: Don't spend too much time obsessing over rules, except for rule #1, that rule is very important!
Q. Can you talk a little bit about the meaning of life? Are you a pessimist or an optimist?
A. I'm definitely an optimist. I think life life sucks, that is to say, life is like vacuum cleaner...you can find the most interesting things in the most neglected places. Just open your eyes to take in all the best things that life has to offer, just like a vacuum cleaner.
Q. Do you think it's better to be materialist, or philosophical?
A. Personally, I'm philosophical about being materialistic. That way I get the best of both worlds, and if I'm not happy with what I get, I just return it for a refund.
Q. What's a Reiki Master? I see them advertised all over and I was thinking about becoming one.
A. Becoming One is always good. As for becoming a Reiki Master, the work is seasonal, although I admit it is a good way to get in touch with (your inner), nature. It works like this...leaves
falli off trees, then Master reiki the leaves, then trucki off to dump. See, easy, but seasonal. Go become One.
Q. Master Little Big Man(tis), are you excited about the new Star Wars coming out this summer?
A. If the truth be known I have a starring role in this film. Go back to my answer to the last question for a hint. That's right, I will appear as "Gobi Kumwun," the
irreverent Jedi Knight.
Q. Have you ever heard the term "Politically Correct"?
A. Actually, no, but it would seem that these two words are mutually exclusive, you know like the phrase "government intelligence", they cancel each other out...like saying someone is a "real phony", or has a "forgetful memory" or like expecting me to write a conscientious humor column. Nope, you'll never see PC in this column.